Today was going to be a bad day. I knew it was. It was the school Eisteddfod and Ned had been so excited last year, I couldn’t help but imagine how he would have been today. I tortured myself by watching videos of last year’s Eisteddfod and there he was, my little boy, alive on the screen singing and reciting. It took my breath away, but I watched it again and again and again because he was alive in front of my eyes.
When I got to the school this afternoon to pick Tomi up, as soon as I parked and heard the children’s voices drifting from the school hall; songs that Ned sang all the way home last year, it became too much.
When this happens, I have a panic attack. I struggle to breathe. I lose my bearings. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I can’t focus. I can’t respond. I know that this can be frightening for anyone who witnesses it. Today, several parents came to help and I am thankful to each one for showing their kindness and support.
I can start feeling claustrophobic quickly and I apologise if I pulled myself away from your embrace. I cannot deal with my senses being overloaded. I struggle. Sometimes I vomit. I hyperventilate. I sweat and my heart rate quickens.
What I need to do is plant my feet firmly on the ground and try to recover my breathing. I always have a paper bag in my car to stop the hyperventilating.
I suppose I wanted to write this short blog, knowing that some of you who were there today will read it and I wanted to say thank you, and I wanted to help you understand a little of what is happening to me physically when an attack happens.
It’s simply the pain of losing Ned becoming unbearable. It’s the fight leaving me. It’s me not wanting to be anymore. It’s me tired of the daily battle. I don’t want that to frighten anyone, I hope it will help you to understand. Some days are just really bad.
It’s been nearly a year and I’m not ‘better’. Grief isn’t an illness. I will carry it with me forever – it’s in my heart, my bones, my soul. It’s like the ocean – some days can be relatively calm, other days I’m riding rough, stormy waves that threaten to drown me. It’s never still. It ebbs and flows.
So as I saw a #randomactsofkindnessday on Twitter, I thought it apt just to simply say thank you to those who came to help me today. It won’t be the last panic attack I have. But I do come out of them. The worst that can happen from a panic attack is that you pass out, which I have on a handful of occasions.
I’ll end therefore with just a big diolch/thank you to everyone who helped me and to those I allow close enough who have been with me every step of the way. Diolch o waelod calon.